Almost lover

I've lost a few kilos because I'm not getting so fine wined and dined. 

I'm not struggling with feelings of guilt for going "too far", but I still miss you. 

I don't buy expensive things as much because I know my measly income won't be joining with yours soon. 

I don't miss walking on eggshells and wondering if I'll be good enough for you. 

Sometimes I'm scared at how much I can feel like I hate you. 

But I know it's just hurt and complete brokeness. 

You suicided us. 

You ruined us and I hate that. 

You tried to ruin me because you are a broken person, but I got out before you could. 

I hate that. I hate all of it.

I loved you. 

And you didn't love me like you said you would. 

That hurts but that's life. But you said you couldn't fall in love with me and it was my fault. I hate that maybe the most. 

I hate that you told me all the right words during the chase. I hate that you used scripture to justify yourself in the dating. 

I don't miss that. 

I miss us. 

No. I miss the idea of us. 

You broke my heart in the denigration of my personhood during that Saturday night from hell. 

I hate that I have to reconstruct my memory our relationship and assimilate the bad into it. It was terrible, actually. 

Why couldn't you have been a normal person. We could have been perfect. 

I'm not the most together person either. But you are dangerous and scary and good people don't manipulate, control or put others down. I didn't do that. You did. 

And I hate that. 

I hate that you represented what I want so much. But you are a mirage. You aren't real.

You look like a real person. So tall and stylish and charismatic and I should have known. 

You're a self-confessed narcissist, a brutal wolf dressed as a sheep. 

I hate your brokeness and I hate that. 

Because love runs deeper than hate I can hate your sin. I love you underneath all the devastation. 

But no I will never ever come back. 

You lied. 

You never went straight to the city, I saw you. Did you know that? 

I know you didn't have a weekly 5.30pm Skype client. Who has a 5.30pm Skype client anyway. 

You weren't just seeing her for 2 weeks, coward. 

I hate it all. The lies, the deception. 

You used me. You tried to drain me of my light and purity and you laughed at my losses.

Well I ended it before you could get the ultimate prize so I guess I'm the one who had the last laugh. Coward. Viper. 

I will never defame you nor your reputation. Our colleagues will never know. 

But I know. And God knows. 

Contrary to your disdainful comments of the "simple surfy" boys I go to church with, well they have far more character and integrity than you, hypocrit. I'd rather their simple wisdom than your proud knowledge. 

So leave me alone. Go to Japan get out of here. Get far away from me you have no place in my life or in my day. 

May God deal with you and save you. I'm most definately not the one. 

From me, Good riddance.