some thinks taking shape

 my sister echoed the words musing in my heart.

"it's ABOUT TIME you had some tough times!"

it's ebbing and flowing, but over the past two weeks, my faith and character has definately come under fire.

i don't have the words nor thoughts to formulate a blog just yet, so i will just share the literature and media which right now are the hands of God shaping this lump of clay. 

the literature is a bit of  this,  that, a LOT of this, and daily, multipe times, quite alot of that.

the media is on my bike and train rides which have been musing this melody.

those lyrics really seems to echo and prayer of my soul at this time, so like a journal, i write them out:

"i could just sit, wait for all your goodness, hope to feel your presence.
and i could just stay right where i am and hope to feel you, hope to feel something again.
and i could hold on to who I am and never let you change me from the inside.

and i could be safe here in your arms and never leave home, never let these walls down.

but you have called me higher, you have called me deeper

and i will go where you will lead me Lord.

i will be yours for all my life,

so let your mercy light the path before me"

i also choose to decalre this one over everything every morning, every evening.

like the potter who introduces an instrument to shape the clay,

it's all making me think. it's shaping my perspective.

as a children's counsellor, i currently live within a discourse of feelings. 

i feel

frightened yet full of faith.

confused and trusting it'll become clear

sorrowful, yet somehow rejoicing.

i am

 dissapointed in others and dealing with being disappointed in.

choosing to see the gift in the lack 

humbled.

i have

unmet hopes, failed expectations.

been vulnerable and it wasn't recieved well

 been told my blind spots and felt all my deep impurities rise to the surface for all to see.

part of me wants to close the door to discipleship and say
"oops sorry! wrong door, didn't mean to open that one!"

 like jonah running away from ninevah.

but i can't.

i'm in too deep. His grace and beauty and life of adventure has captivated me and ruined me.

everything else tastes bland.

so there's only one thing to do.

"forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, i press on toward the goal to win the prize for which god has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."