Finishing up 2014

I'd like to give credit where credit's due.

About 8 weeks ago, I boarded a plane to Israel and asked God to inspire me.

I remember swimming in the ocean by my house that day praying that prayer, and having this strange feeling that prayer was going to be answered in more profound ways than would be comfortable. 

He did inspire me by unravelling me. 

So much so. I don't want to glorify the sin I realised I was entangled in, but I realised to my core that I was unhealthy, and sadly estranged from my parents. I also realised I needed to break up with my dear boyfriend. 

Israel was harrowing.

Beautiful, extreme, vast and historical. 

But an extremely harrowing personal experience. 

I remember getting on the plane home and thinking "oh God. I start work in 2 days and I can barely hold myself together for more than 10 minutes without crying." He whispered back "it's just for now. This is just a season." I held that in my mind like a lantern in the darkness.

I arrived home on a Sunday night. And Emailed work I wouldn't be coming in tomorrow. 

Then on Tuesday. 

Then on Wednesday. 

Stress had also taken a toll on me physically. I couldn't even get out of bed I was so physically and emotionally sick! 

Wednesday afternoon, I phoned my mum out of the blue, crying without being able to choke out a word. I was done. I needed her. 

She came over fast as she could. She sat with me for 5 hours, talking, rubbing my back which ached from stress. And you know what the first thing Mum said?  "it's just for now. This is just a season." Our relationship was re-established. 

I then went home for the rest of the week and came under my parents nurture and care. All they did was forgiven, and we all agreed to start a fresh. 

But with all this going on in my personal life, how the heck was I supposed to go back into the child protection, of all jobs for goodness sake!

I went back to work on Thursday, nearly threw up from stress and came home. 

I wondered if I'd ever be "normal" again - I prayed "God wind me up!!! You unravelled me, now wind me up!!!" 

It's definately been a journey. He didn't wind me back up - that was half the problem in why I needed unravelling. But He's been reconstructing, remoulding and kneading me. 

A lot of solitude. A lot of reading. A lot of drawing and artwork. A lot of crying as well as laughing. A lot of sleeping in and praying in bed. Not as much exercising. I'm coming back into balance. 

Jeremiah 30.7-11

"How awful that day will be! No other will be like it. It will be a time of trouble for Jacob, but he will be saved out of it. “ ‘In that day,’ declares the Lord Almighty, ‘I will break the yoke off their necks and will tear off their bonds; no longer will foreigners enslave them. Instead, they will serve the Lord their God and David their king, whom I will raise up for them. “ ‘So do not be afraid, Jacob my servant; do not be dismayed, Israel,’ declares the Lord. ‘I will surely save you out of a distant place, your descendants from the land of their exile. Jacob will again have peace and security, and no one will make him afraid. I am with you and will save you,’ declares the Lord. ‘Though I completely destroy all the nations among which I scatter you, I will not completely destroy you. I will discipline you but only in due measure; I will not let you go entirely unpunished."

Well it's now 10.12.2014. I've written that date at least 100 times today at work. Government are quite meticulous  with their times and dates. 

And I'm giving credit where credit is due now :) 

I've been back at work consistently now for 4 weeks, with no days off. Apart from a half day I had to take off when I had a little relapse. Ha. But all in all - cheers God!! 

I remember flying home and wondering how on earth id function when I had so much to work out. 

But I did it! I've made it this far! God gave me the strength and courage, and He continues to do so. I face each day, boldly. It used to be one hour at a time. Now it's One day at a time. Sometimes I even daydream about what I'm going to get up to on the weekends again!

I'm slowly falling into my happy, normal self again. Just a refined, healthier, more edified version. 

I again have peace and security. It's centred on Christ - He had me in the palm of his hand for 25 years and 3

Months, and He has me now - post 25 years and 3 months. He has never failed and He never will. All of His works are out of loving kindness, and every affliction is used as discipline to help know Him more deeply, edify me and to bring Him glory. That's all I want my life to be about - He knows I've prayed it for years. So I'll entrust myself to Him forever to that process. 

To the end of the 2014 race! Here we come.