reality

Every so often, 

I wake up, roll over, stare at my wall and do a feelings check. I thank God for whatever it is that I'm going through - because I know it is for my ultimate good and His ultimately glory, but oh. 

Days like

This morning are sweet. 

This morning.

It Led to a vacant morning. 

To A vacant afternoon. 

To A vacant evening. 

I'm able to have nothing to do, and memories and dashed hopes don't rush in and threaten to cripple me in pain. 

I danced. I sang. I stared. I read. I watched. I danced again. 

Alone but not lonely. 

A gap filled with goodness. 

No hellish memories of the past.

Days like today remind me I woke up from the nightmare.

A year to 18 months ago, I was trapped in a nightmare I couldn't get out of. It was the kind when you know you're in a bad dream, but you're powerless to wake yourself

Up. And all you can do is simply

Wait. You can knock yourself about a bit, but ultimately you only wake up when you're meant to wake up. 

And oh. That serene relief of waking up and escaping the nightmare. The moment you cross over realities and absolutely nothing will drag you back into where you came from. 

Even if you feel asleep again, you can never go back into that exact nightmare. It's gone. That state of mind ceases to exist. 

I love time. 

I love time.

I do love time.

I think it's one of God's most gracious and kind gifts. 

Time is the carriage that continues to put distance between myself and the nightmare. Time is the diffuse to my triggers.

Time is my friend. It's so kind and I'm so grateful for her.

I do everything I can to press on toward what's ahead. To let the memories of those 2 men and that 1 woman fade. I run no laps on those memory wheels at all whatsoever. The less I tread the quicker they'll fade. They can't fade quick enough, And I do everything I can to avoid them even in conversation to help the process.

I will never forget the lessons, the treasures those 3 taught me. About myself. About personality disorders. About God. They I will treasure and share for the rest of my life. 

To be a friend, a colleague, a lover who has the others best interests at heart. And to have friends, colleagues and wait for lovers who have your own best interests at heart. 

And to discern very quickly all the Wolves dressed as Sheep in these arenas. 

Oh the wisdom!! 

Those treasures which I gathered on the rugged landscapes in the nightmare. I will never give them

Up. They were designed just for me and I will take close care of them for the rest of my life. 

I'm so glad I got to say everything I ever wanted to all 3. I loved them but they were ruining me so I had to let them go. 

They will always be a part of me through the lessons I now own.

But they are over now. I woke up and can never ever go back into their reality. The memories cease to rush into my heart and mind in the absence of activities. 

I am free to be. 

I am free to have an undivided heart, just God and I again. 

I am my beloved's, he is for me and nobody can snatch me out of His hand. 

And that. Is such a sweet reality.