Thorns, throbs and butterflies.

Ya know. 

I think; I know. 

everyone has a thorn in their side. 

That thing that causes that dull ache in your heart. 

That thing you forget about when you're with your friends, your laughing & having fun, you're doing that activity that makes you feel alive. 

And then when the music stops and all your friends go home, it's just there. Throbbing. Reminding you that you are still dealing with it. It's stuck there to teach you. 

And God promised that His grace would be sufficient for it. To comfort in the pain of it. To love in the feelings of unworthiness. To bring hope in the never ending cycles of it. To remind you that He felt similar pain. Misunderstanding of God. To be your secure base as you explore nearly every avenue to dull the ache and you seem to always end up back here. With it. With Him. You and God, once again, fleshing it out together. His power is made perfect in your weakness, and you begin to realise and feel Him weaving your life story together with the thorn. It no longer ruins, defines  or rules you. But it's part of you that is there and you and Him journey it together. 

For me, that's singleness .

I loved being single until I was 26 and met somebody who challenged my love of it. It was easier to say no to guys than to be aware of a void and look for someone to fill it. 

My biggest fear was that if I opened the door of my heart to somebody, what if they walked away. And left the door open.

Well that happened. Twice. Both when I was 26. 

Tonight I am 27. 

A lot of lessons learned, and a door wide left wide open. It  refuses to shut, jarred open to unforeseen tidal waves of loneliness and painful disappointment. 

 Most of the time it's sunny with a few clouds. Nights like tonight there was hail and storm and no protection. 

except my housemate Amy. Connection is everything.

As I cried in her arms, I mused. 

Single at 27 is my thorn. But I am not alone. 

What of the girl who married at 21 to a narcissist and is living every day painfully and faithfully devoted to him? 

What of the girl who married at 21 to the love of her life who are 23 entered into a genetically disposed psychosis and he was never the same? 

Or the girl who married at 21, gave birth to 3 beautiful children and her husband tragically died a few months before her 27th birthday? 

Or the girl who married at 21 to a man who suited her then, but she changed and he did not? And now at 27 she remains faithfully in a connection-less, emotiona-less marraige to a man who doesn't see anything wrong? 

Girlfriends all around the world have thorns in their side. It's not to minimise my pain, but it's to keep perspective. 

To fight the good fight of faith and trust in Gods goodness and sovereignty. That life is more than marraige. And that in the wait, God is transforming me to be more like his son Jesus Christ, He is refining my character and weaning me off the pleasures and securities of this world, and onto Him and His goodness. 

1 Peter 5.9
Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

Jesus demonstrated that In death comes life. The death of my experiences. The death of my hopes. The death of my friendships I had most hope for. The death of the idea that keeps being ripped from me. 

God will bring life. He will use each death-like event to bring life. Fullness. Goodness and joy. Wisdom, oh so much wisdom. Comfort and empathy to help and speak and be with others.

Committed until death eventually brings us together.