psych

I went back to see a psychologist today through the EAP.

She listened to me describe the last 3 years of my life in about 15 minutes.

Her feedback was: It’s much easier to pathologise yourself than actually feel your emotions. Do you even feel any of what you just described to me?

No, I said. I felt it. I felt it when it happened, and I felt it when I talked talked talked to others after it happened.

I graduated the events,  categorised all my experiences into boxes and now they are perfectly packaged into what I’m telling you today. I’m not interested in revisiting any pain or emotions of any of them, I am here to see you today because the experiences have left reside in the form of panic attacks and I’m sick of them. So can you help me get rid of this residue or not?

I think I will give this psych a run for her money.I kind of like having the control over a psych. Also residue.

Anyway she wants me to scale (1-10) each day how my day was and say why i gave it that rating, until we meet again next Friday.  Of particular interest to her is when my panic attacks occur. What i was thinking before hand, what I was thinking during the panic attacks. She said there is a link between them all.

I got back on my high horse and told her i knew the links:

-          Not being in control. Ie: When i drink alcohol, when i’m out kayaking with sharks, when i’m mountain biking and no help is nearby.

-          When I’m hot and my pants are too tight around my tummy.

-          When i’m in a home visit and the gravity of what i’m doing hits me. 

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Nevertheless she wants me to document my days and why. Something about how she invented this program in the UK and implemented it in a hospital and her success rates. Blah blah blah not interested in your credidentials, psych. 

I have transference issues, obviously. She can help me and she works, so. 

All i know is i don’t want to have a panic attack and lose my mind in Africa.

I think it’s easier to throw myself into fun adventures, crazy friendships, high activity and high intensity lifestyle to get the endorphins up, the dopamine flowing. So the floodgates of memories don’t rush in. They sometimes still do. 

That’s what i want help with. Being able to “Stop”. And not be afraid of what happens when I stop and the flood gates do open and i don’t have control anymore. 

It used to happen all the time. Now it happens every now and then. Ok maybe a bit more than now and then. But still not every time.  

Psych said at the moment it’s too much to expect that I don't get anxious, ever, when I stop. She also told me to be more kind to myself,  I've had massive life stressors without a break for all of 2014 and 2015 and 2016. This year is a year for rehab and to deal with the toxic residue that hasn't left along with the evemts.

So. over 6 sessions she will help me help myself stop and have more control over my anxiety. 

I said ok. I guess so. Yea that’d be good. 

So I came home to 'stop' and i lay on my bed and nearly fell asleep i was so shattered.

But my thoughts of the session kept rousing me. 

that's another thing psych said - my intelligence is what makes me so good at my job, but it's working against me. I understand too much about the mind and i keep pathologising myself so I can't let go and just feel.

So what do i do but write it all down in a blog with a scarcastic tone as a defense mechanism to the true feelings I might feel lying on my bed and having a good cry.

Maybe i'll log off and think about that ..