some nights

 i actually really enjoy that song - some nights - by fun 

i enjoy it for a number of reasons

( one of which i like to pretend i am passionately singing it like he does in the video clip)

but i also appreciate it for it's lyrics.

getting right into the nitty gritty of social work this semester

 

. . . the theories, concepts, ways of seeing the world . . . 

as well as becoming more aware and determined to grow in my biblical understanding of the human condition 

has caused me to question everything academic i'm being taught.

perhaps my favourite line in the song is:

"man you won't believe the most amazing thing that can come from some terrible lie"

i think that really captures what the world of secular social work tries to teach me sometimes

but anyway!

that's a blog for another time.

i mention it though because i think it provides a good entry into this blog.

some nights i wonder when it all will end

but then at the same time,

i am experiencing God's profound goodness in this season

tasting his sweet joy and peace now

than i would have  had i not walked through the things i have been.

let me elaborate ...

 i've gone from not writing a blog for over a month

to writing three in the past 5 days!

i just got lots to say!

and i told myself  -

'once you're over this hump of enormity, you can blog about it'.

i handed in my third assessment due in 10 days this morning

and that's something to celebrate.

2 weeks ago at connect group we had a 'wahh' session (as we later called it)

all the gals in my life (connect group) were each 'going through' something

we needed a place to share it all

and so we did it with eachother.

afterward, we realised how self absorbed we all were

when Jesus was so beautiful

and life was so sweet in relationship with Him.

it took sharing our complaints to have a revelation of the pettiness of our complaints.

but anyway,

i shared that i was struggling with the fact i literally was not able to travel in the forseeable future.

at all.

i've just started my new job and it has bound me

by contact

for the ENTIRE SUMMER

that means no holidays, 

no getaways (for more than the few days that i'm not working) 

and no FREEDOM.

i know it's totally 1st world problems

but you gots to understand - 

i'm a free spirit. 

i hate being bound by people telling me what i can and can't do

i don't know why - it might be this inner stubborn rebellious personality quirk

but i strongly dislike feeling trapped.

travelling makes me feel like a free bird, limitless!

it rejuvenates me

it completely refreshes me 

it broadens and challenges my understandings on the world

but most excitingly and most importantly to me

travelling unveils to me the splenderous glory of God

in ways that i just can't replicate in perth.

so the thought of being bound by a contract

so that i can't taste the above

made me quiver. 

Perhaps this was made overwhelming

by the fact that i had 3 assessments

all worth 30-40% due within 8 days of eachother.

now, i am not a last-minuter.

i'm a planner. 

but there was no planning here.

this semester has been jam packed

with asessments each requiring at least a week's research

so i had no time to plan for the past 8 days.

i vented to the girls - i need prayer! 

i can't keep my eyes open after 10.30pm to effectively write!

THEN. 

i had our 7-month-in-the-making quiz night

looming. daunting. 

a quiz night sounds so easy right?

well not when you commit to the level we did! 

it was quiz night extravaganza in every way you could imagine

there were weekend meetings, late night meetings, skype meetings, 5 simultaneuos email threads going per day, 

and that didn't even include the practical details of packing, wrapping, creating, designing, liasing, inventing, conflict managing ...

I also had an exchange meeting in which i had to go away and write an application to go on student exchange.

which presents a plethora of things to consider.

and i had rotary meetings and commitments

including a 6.30am food van before sunday morning church!

i told all of this to the girls

unloading it all off my chest and out into thin air where it sounded so petty

but they listened, nodding their heads in understanding

i was so grateful and it did help put things into perspective!

 i am God's child

his servant

and all that He has assigned to me is a blessing

if He assigned me to it, He will sustain me through it.

it's times like now that i needed to actively choose to do everything in His strength

relinquish the desire to control and do it all in my own . . . 

to be still and know that He is God

that He will work all things out together for my good.

So last night we got together again for connect

2 weeks on . . . 

and we checked in about how our weeks had gone after our 'wahh' session.

i shared with them that last wednesday,

I had gone to order a coffee when i got a txt msg from a friend to hang out that sunday night.

i wanted to see her so much

but i didn't have time.

 all of a sudden

tears welled up in my eyes and i almost had a meltdown.

a breakdown in the coffee shop! can you imagine. 

However, I reflected that depsite my 'humaness' in my external emotional responses

. . . Inwardly  . . .

I had felt so strongly sustained by God through all of it.

like nothing could overwhelm me to the point of despair.

it was as if i floated through the past 2 weeks!

despite there being so much overwhelming pressure 

fear and anxiety only threatened me

i never felt it.

i didn't know whether i was 'disassociating' or not

 i even posted a status about disassociating  -  i missed my train cos i didn't think to get off!! 

but i took it down because i didn't think it adequately told of the true narrative. 

God sustained me. God held me. God reassured me 

and comforted me EVERY morning

"i am in control. 

 i have it

i am on it

walk in what i direct you to do

and don't think about anything else but that for that time.

i will lead you so you will cover the next checklist." 

i never felt overtaken in anxiety and fear

i never acted out in snappiness or impatience

( which i can do  under such circumstances !! )

i just felt so 'held' by the hand of God

so sustained. nourished. strengthened.

i don't know whether i will get to go travelling in summer

but God knows my heart and my prayer.

i want to. 

but i am under his auspices, 

not my own nor anyone elses.

if he wants me to 

i will.

if he doesn't

my joy wasn't found in that anyway.

my greatest treasure is in Jesus Christ.

looking forward from here though,

i reflected last nigh that

 all this business has got me so used to 'doing things'

right up until i go to bed.

so much so that i find it hard to relax with a bible reading, 

or review of that mornings scripture.

my mind is on other things academic or social.

i want to always remember that it's first

me and God

our relationship. . .

then me and the world.

so i guess this is a testiment to the grace of God

in Him i am called

in Him i am strengthened

in Him i am sustained

in Him i am task directed 

in Him i am inwardly stilled

in Him i have victory

and now some pictures to show for it all!

( and because it's so much effort to position them ! hah )

James and Caitlin adding up the tallies to the round scores

My flames that i made!

we had two large 'stalls' of silent auctions

we had over 200 people attend, helping to raise above and beyond our initial target

oooooooooh my friend hayley made this one. delicious. i don't know if you can see - i attempted to cut it and realised i needed to cut it from the centre

THIS! was perfect timing. mid chaotic week, on my early morning walk, God gave me this sweet reminder!

ah yes. the rotary van. nicole told me last night that i reeked the whole row of saturated fat.

my semester. highlighted are my assessment dates. the white pieces of paper underneath are my bible verses.

 ha!