Silhouettes

I lay in bed with a lead weight in my heart, but it's ok. 

It's a beautiful thing to come home, pull the covers over your head and be completely vulnerable with God. 

It all started with the email at 2.43pm. 

To joonallstaff. 

"Advertising for part time psychologist."

I couldn't wait for my colleague friends to do my ground work again so I emailed the funny psych  straight away. 

"Did he resign?" 

"No" she said, "its for the other one who is getting a promotion. He's extended his leave until October".

So many thoughts and feelings which I stuffed away & carried on with my work.

Tonight I drove into his neck of the woods to a wine bar where a Q&A with my local pastor was being held. 

So many intellectuals with black skinny leg jeans, quirky haircuts. Drinking wine out of hipster glasses and being smart. 

The buses drove past the sleepy streets, and the occasional cyclist rode by the cafe window. 

I was so sleepy, I closed my eyes and the imagination played like a movie I couldn't turn off. 

We never screwed up and you were who you said you were. It was 2 years on & we were in love, still making a tough relationship work. 

Pause. 

Rewind. 

We did get screwed up, your true colours were seen. We worked together a year that felt like hell and then you left. 

A year went by, and I bumped into you on the street.

All the anger, hurt, bitterness had gone and you watched me steadily to see if I was still afraid of you.

I warmed you with a smile and asked you how Canada was. 

We chatted and became familiar. 

You'd changed, received a miraculous healing from God and told me how sorry you were. 

But like I told my client fleeing domestic violence today, "people only change situationally, they never truly change." 

That truth spun me back to reality. 

I opened my eyes and looked at my pastor. I looked at the intellectual hipsters all around me. I looked around and saw you everywhere. It's not fair that they are real and you are not. I can't even miss a real person, but I miss you so much. I miss the dream you painted me of yourself. So so much.!

I was engulfed in your sillhouette tonight. 

Tonight I hand it back to God. That's enough. 

I wait in trust and thankfulness for this too shall pass. And Tomorrow I will be back to my easy mind. my free spirited nature. And my joyful, contented heart.