4 years on

 A couple of days ago I was lazing at my parents house when Mum suggested I start blogging again. A mixture of thoughts came over me and I decided that of all hobbies I have, blogging is one of my favourties.

Why did I give it up for nearly 4 years? Survival, probably. I think it's probably the same reason I still have the same journal from 2017. For some people, journalling and writing out thoughts is therapeutic because it puts them in touch with their feelings, thoughts and experiences and diverts them from unhelpful coping mechanisms.

I have always been probably too in touch with my feelings, thoughts and experiences and generally regulate quite quickly out of unhelpful coping mechanisms, so I went through a period of time where journalling was actually counter productive.

I think I have spent close to the past 4 years of 'being', and practicing the self control of not thinking too much or too little about what was happening. 

I don't really know how to measure the success of that, but what I can say is that I am a completely different person (well, almost!) to the person who wrote the last blog entry below. 

So what's happened over the last 4 years?

- I met and married my amazing husband, and we have been married for close to 17 months.

- With that, I moved out of the beach house in 2018 and into my new little coastal villa with a rag doll cat to keep me company until my husband moved in 2019 after we got married.

- I've had 3 different jobs, which I think has contributed to a large part of my healing. Getting out of the rut where there were triggers and memories all around, and developed my new professional identity outside of the girl who dated the psych. The first job was travelling around the State doing relief work, the second job was forensically interviewing children about criminal experiences they had experienced or witnessed  for court processes and the third job which I'm currently in is Team Leading a team where we prevent children from entering Care of the State. 

- I am officially 17 weeks pregnant with our first child.

I feel calm, content, fulfilled and excited about our future. 

There is an ever dark corner in my life though; on 27 Dec 2019 my Mum was diagnosed with throat cancer. 2019 was a year of radiation, surgery and lots of fear and desperate pleas for faith. She's had to have her voice box, thyroid and lymph nodes all taken out and she now breathes through a little tube that sticks out of her throat. Mum's currently in hospital because her throat might be a little torn and infected. It's a journey where the goal posts continually change, but we are hoping that some time over the next 6-12 months she can begin eating orally (she feeds through a PEG) and can get a voice box valve put in. 

I have alot of thoughts to process and express here, but this is the first chapter. 

God is good. God is faithful. God is sovereign. He will always bring you through the fire.